Remembering What I've Forgotten
Last updated: March 2023
There are so many MS struggles that could be unwrapped in a story, but right now in my journey, I am struggling with what I've forgotten. It has become a frequent experience, to be telling a story from my past, only to be corrected and told, "That's not how that happened." Here is an entry from my journal.
How long has my journey been?
12/29/22 – I have come to realize that my memories must belong to someone else. I have apparently created stories around bits and pieces of actual recall. It makes me wonder how much of the life I’ve led is actually real and how much is fantasy. It is a confirmation that my memory has been affected for a very long time and thus I must have had MS from a very young age.
I now feel as though I need to learn to not join in conversation of remembrance or I will be telling a lie. How much of the cherished memories that I have held in my heart are not true. What caused me to create these wonderful memories and why did I feel the need to create instead of ask?
As I lose current skills to this beastly disease, like simple addition and spelling, I struggle but persevere. The awareness that I have no guarantee of recall means I am losing my grip on anything to cling to. This is the most bitter loss of all. God help me!
The life of a recluse might be a blessing. Living only with the conversations in my head and my fur babies who cannot correct my wayward thoughts. It would be a comfortable life. However, the problem exists that these fleeting thoughts cannot stand against the call of God, to love and to interact with the world around me. I still have within me the desire to serve and that I can’t do secluded away. I want to ask why me, but to what avail? God does not owe me an explanation. As much as He loves me, I have no right to demand and expect release from this wretched beast called MS, but I still have hope and I ask. I will stand up and keep moving forward. Trusting Him to lead me and use me right where I am. I want to run the race with my head held high. Today, however, I am limping, and trusting that His arm is around me holding me up. (His hug is perfect, unlike the hug MS gives!) Maybe today I can just expect not to fall.
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