Scared

My son went to a neurologist today. They want him to do an X-Ray. I’m assuming a CAT scan. I get that and MRI mixed up. No telling how much that will cost. I called the doctor’s office to see about a place for low-cost out of pocket fees for X-Rays instead of using the hospital radiology department, but haven’t heard back. Like everything, a waiting game. I wonder if medication is an option and if so, do we have to jump through a hoop to get that as expensive as it is. We’ve had insurance all our lives and now when we need it, we don’t have it.

I feel like it’s a bad dream. Why my son! I feel guilty because he’s had little odd symptoms pop up here and there and went to the doctor and they’d just hand a script and he wouldn’t say much more about it. We thought he was ok. He had some eye and ear trouble about nine years ago and he even had a CAT scan but it was normal. I think we just thought he was ok. But, he didn’t complain too much about anything. I remember him saying he had given up on doctors because they never helped him. I blame myself that I didn’t do more. It bothers me that he has no life, no girlfriend, no job, no insurance, etc. and he’s 30. He’s a cute and smart guy but I think he’s been depressed for a while. He never goes anywhere except to the doctor’s office.

I don’t know what to do sometimes. I feel like I need to talk to someone but instead I tend to sit here alone worrying about it all. I guess I should seek some mental health but all I can think of is him right now.

It does help me to read of others going through the same types of ordeals. I mentioned to him today about maybe finding a support group if he gets a diagnosis of something and he didn’t seem that interested in the idea. I just don’t feel like I can be happy if he’s not. I wish it were happening to me instead of my him. I read of stories like Dr. Wahl’s. I’m trying to cook a certain diet for my son. Does anyone here ever do these diets? I know they say it can take months or years to improve on such diets. I would love to believe it could work for my son. Am I just dreaming? I just know I am so scared. I worry he’ll feel like his life is terrible if he gets a diagnosis of this illness. I guess I’m rambling. Thanks for listening.

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