More to Lose

I have had RRMS for 8 years, with only 3 official relapses in that time frame. I try to keep a positive mindset, knowing that I am doing much better than many others with this disease.

Annual MRI showed disease stability

I recently had my annual appointment with the MS clinic. It was a telephone appointment, and I only spoke to the nurse, not my neurologist. It was 15 minutes total. Why so short? Because my annual MRI showed my disease to be stable for the 3rd year in a row! Very much a cause to celebrate, and I was definitely happy about it. However, I find my thoughts to occasionally spiral down a dark hole of worry at times.

Fearing another relapse

I feel the longer I go with no issues, the harder the fall will be if or when I have another relapse. Every attack has left residual damage that I have adapted to and learned to deal with. But after 3 years of stability, I really don’t know how I would handle another attack at this point in my life.

Even positive MS results are bittersweet

I have been working hard to be successful professionally and at the same time continue to be a good mother to my kids. I imagine an attack that stops me from working, and all that work being for nothing. I guess what I am trying to say is that even times of positive results with MS are somewhat bittersweet. There will always be a nagging voice in the back of my mind saying, “Enjoy while you can because it all can be taken away tomorrow.” Sometimes that feeling is motivating and sometimes it is discouraging. Like what’s the point?

Am I the only one who feels this way?

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