The Beauty of Balance
Hello all! My name is David and I was diagnosed 2 years ago with MS.
I am 22 years old and attend college.
My first few months after my diagnosis can be only described by one word: hell.
I tried to ignore the confusion, pain, and suffering that I experienced due to my diagnosis, but it was impossible.
Soon enough, I was suicidal, bipolar, tired, depressed, hurting, and the list goes on. I was in pain in so many ways, I thought that the only way to end it was death, so I grabbed my kitchen knife and held it to my wrist before I ended it all. As I felt the cold edge of the knife on my wrist, I pictured my own funeral in which my family was mourning my "departure." I couldn't let my family experience that kind of sorrow.
I dropped the knife.
I just survived a life-or-death ordeal.
Nevertheless, the pain continued, but I felt relieved that I was still alive. I was breathing. I was moving. I was thinking. I was existing.
This experience made me realize that I needed to form a mental structure, some sort of imaginative structure that will ensure that I do not try anything like this again.
So I imagined the "evil" side of my existence: pain, loneliness, depression, MS. The multitude of all these "evils" was what caused me to attempt suicide, so I tried to think of all the parts of my existence that can counteract this "evil" side.
I couldn't think of anything.
Was I ungrateful of what I had? Was I so hopeless that I couldn't think of one thing? Or was it true that I didn't have anything that can counteract this force? Was my life worth ending it with a cut?
Then, I felt my heart beat.
Ah! I'm alive! I'm still breathing! I can go on!
This thought gave me hope.
Ah! Hope! Life is not hopeless! There are so much good experiences out there!
This continued on until I was able to imagine the "good" side of my own existence.
Now the "evil" can be balanced by the "good." A stasis has been formed!
I also realized ignoring these "evils" was nearly impossible. So now I fully accept the pain and the misfortune of this diagnosis because it is too difficult to simply ignore them. However, I do not let my observation end there. The "good" that I imagined is always there to "save the day."
I admit that there are times in which this balance is tipped and I feel slightly depressed and tired, but I make sure I obtain the balance that keeps me, essentially, alive.
As I live more of life, I hope that one day the "good" side of this delicate balance will topple the "evil" side. I hope to discover and enjoy new beauties of life, like how I discovered this beauty of balance.
Do you celebrate your MS Anniversary?