Not today MS!
There is a spot in the pavement that is my starting point for my one mile jog that I do two, maybe three times a week, if I am feeling really good. It's not a fast jog, more like a slow shuffle, but it's mine and on the days that I succeed it brings me a great sense of accomplishment. This week for me was different though.
You see, I have MS and like everyone else who has MS you know how unpredictable this disease can be. What makes this week different is the fact that last week I fell and oh, what a glorious fall it was. Luckily I wasn't outside, but in my home. Straight into the wall, face front, broke my glasses, got a big ole knot on my head and scared my dachshunds half to death! This was my first major fall and yes, it threw me for a loop.
Most of my falls are the little ones when my foot drags or my leg is weak and I can prepare myself for the upcoming fall. Something I pride myself in. The ability to plan a fall! Crazy right? I told my husband after I fell that I was upset because I couldn't control this fall. He looked at me and said, " does anyone control their falls?" Well, yes, I do! Or at least, I did, me being the eternal always needing to be in control person that I am. Usually I know I'm going to fall. It's when I'm tired or have a lot of muscle weakness and then I just do the normal things that people with MS do. I lean on walls when I walk, I hold on to hand rails with a death grip, you know that kind of thing. But this fall was different. I had no control, my leg just totally gave out without warning and there I went straight into the wall. Afterwards to say I was shook up would be an understatement.
The days following I had a feeling I've never experienced before. Confident me was suddenly unsure of myself. Dare I say that fear creep into my head. Then the what ifs, what if this happens again, what if I never shuffle jog again, what if next time I break an arm, a leg, or both! So, I thought long and hard about it. Talked it over with my husband. My fears, my worries, my insecurities. Then of course he reminded me what I already knew that I am not a quitter and I'll never know until I try again!
So here I stand at that spot on the pavement, the one I walked past yesterday because I was scared and I put my headphones on, turn on my music, and start that shuffle down the road. When I made it back, I sent my husband a text that said I did it! I made it! My sense of accomplishment is back for now and all I can say is you didn't win today MS, no, not today.
On an average day, how would you rate your level of anxiety related to multiple sclerosis?