What day is it?

What kind of day is it? Is it a “need to hibernate” kind of day or a “life is good” kind of day? The instability and emotional roller coaster of MS is very confusing and frustrating.

Every day is an adventure. Some days I wake up and feel like I can run a marathon. Well, not really! But I walk well and fairly far, my balance is good, my right hand is able to perform easy tasks, and my energy level is good. Yesterday I had to take back a gift and exchange it for something else. I really dislike shopping, but I had to go to a department store. And as you know, there is usually a lot of walking in a department store.

Yesterday was not a good day. I took my cane to the department store, and felt like I needed to stop and rest every 5 steps or so. Everything was falling out of my hands (my left hand had a hold of the cane and my right hand was virtually useless). People stopped to help me retrieve the items on the floor. They saw that I had a cane with me, so they probably thought, and rightly so, that I am disabled. I certainly didn't mind their help, but I didn't want to see myself, or have others see me, as disabled. As I have said before, only my mind can make me disabled. I need to remember that on the bad days and the good days!

I could barely write my name on the receipt. My right hand stays curled up in a fist on days like this and I have trouble being able to straighten all my fingers easily. And when I walk with my cane, my right arm and hand moves very stiffly. I guess it mimics the left arm and hand using the cane, in an attempt to feel balanced.

When I got back home, I felt like I needed to hibernate for the winter.

Driving is also a very big challenge when I'm having a hard day. I can barely lift my foot and leg up so that I can move from the accelerator to the brake and back again. I have to use my arm to help lift up my leg. If there's little traffic, I'm OK. But if there's a lot of traffic, it could be dangerous for me to be on the road.

As I have noted in my book, Fearless, I rely daily, and sometimes minute by minute, on God's promises. He says that perfect love drives out fear. And His love for me is perfect. So if I keep looking to Him, and not myself or the current situations, I won't wallow in fear and depression. It is only because of His love for me, that I'm able to find victory in spite of my circumstances. His promises help me to keep going and I refuse to give up. His perfect love drives out my fear!

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