When Reality Slaps You Hard!
I'm literally sitting here in tears, why? Well partly because I'm feeling sorry for myself. I'm realizing that my body just can't do what it use to do just a year ago. Don't get me wrong, I'm not wheelchair bound or needing a cane in the house but it's all the little things getting progressively worse which add up to big things, like falling or dropping things or just feeling so bad some days.
I put it out of my head
So this is how my brain works, it ignores everything that is wrong unless it's to the point I can't function or want to cry because of the pain. Why does my brain work like that, I'm sure my past has something to do with it but who knows, it's how I cope...I ignore stuff. I ignore my MS, and my MANY comorbidities I have. I ignore them mainly because there is not a doctor I have found that can help any of my issues. My body just will not accept medications well, what is the point of taking something that makes you feel even worse? I do, however, take something for the really bad mental days or...well, things get a little too dark.
Seeing my best friend decline in health
So I guess ignoring the fact that I can't walk more than a certain amount of time or distance or be on my feet a certain amount of time or hang out with friends for more than an hour before my body starts screaming at me, or having really bad cognitive days/weeks isn't a great thing when REALTY hits you hard! We lost our dog after only 2 1/2 years this past January. His last 8 months were rough on him and me. He had so many healthy issues but I was right by his side with meds, running out in the middle of the early morning or late nights so he could go. Cleaning up after his accidents, taking him to his many vet appointments, holding him for hours when his PTSD hit him. After we lost him my husband was so heartbroken (as was I) but he just couldn't let it go and thought if we got another dog it would help him. I reluctantly agreed but only to foster before we adopted to see how it would work out.
Moving on from this is hard
So 4 months after our dog passed we started fostering a beautiful little girl who is much younger than they said she was and had more health issues than they said she did. So here I am taking care of another sick dog 24/7 and it's hitting me hard....REALITY...that is. It's saying "you are not well enough to take this dog to the park like you did your last dog", "you are not well enough to walk the 100 yards to the back of the yard to get this semi-active girl when she is about to get her but kicked by a deer", " you are not well enough to NOT get the sleep your body needs when you are taking this dog out all hours of the night". So I'm sitting here crying because REALITY is hitting me that I can't even have a dog, that is so precious and deserves a good life. My husband and I agreed that we can not foster to adopt and she will eventually have to go to another home.
Trying to learn my limits
I'm sitting here crying because every time I tell my son I miss my granddaughter he tells me "well we have a house that has a spare room", not understanding that it takes every ounce of life in me to visit them and interact with a 5 year old. I'm sitting here crying because life wasn't suppose to be this way. I guess I'm really sitting here crying because I don't acknowledge that I have MS and the 50 other issues I deal with until, well, I have to...and then when I stop denying it it just makes it that much worse. A wise man once told me that you can do anything you want, but know your limits...I miss that wise man and I need to know my limits. Today I will cry and sit here and feel sorry for myself and get it out of my system and tomorrow will be a better day!
Hoping everyone is taking care of themselves and knowing your limits, as they change each day/month/year. Just be cognizant of your body and try not to ignore it because when reality slaps you in the face...it hurts!
Thanks for reading and letting me acknowledge my every changing body.
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