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Resentment

  • By mario lobo

    Resentment. It’s a loaded word. If you mention the word to a psychotherapist, you’ll probably be told that it’s harmful and that you “shouldn’t” be resentful. It’s OK, they say, to be angry, disappointed or depressed, but don’t be resentful. I’m here to say that as a caregiver for someone who has MS, I’m damned resentful! I resent the fact that my wife, for no apparent reason, is saddled with this disease. I resent the fact that “the best years of my life” have been overtaken with caregiver’s responsibilities, preventing me from doing so many things that I want to do. I resent the fact that my friends and coworkers so casually do the things I’d like to do and probably take their life situations for granted. I resent the fact that many non-caregivers romanticize the chronic caregiver role. I resent hearing (yes, I really have heard this) caregiving for a loved one with a chronic disease is like preparing chicken soup for one’s spouse when he or she has a bad cold, just for a longer period of time. I resent the financial impact my wife’s MS has had on us.
    My resentment is focused. I don’t resent my wife. I don’t resent the people who don’t and can’t understand. I don’t resent the people who have the freedom to do what they want with their time. Bud do I resent my wife’s MS and the life situation it has put me in? You better believe I do.
    There. I said it. I don’t think it was harmful. To the contrary, it felt good to just to put it out there. Do you feel resentful?

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  • By Kim Dolce Moderator

    Hi Mario,

    One of our staff experts, Donna Steigleder, is a caregiver to her husband, Lynn, who has MS. If you haven’t already, you might read her articles. She writes with complete honesty about the gamut of feelings she runs regarding being a caregiver, as well as describing in detail what a typical day is like for them. It can be a source of validation for all that you are feeling and experiencing. Here’s the link to all of her articles: https://multiplesclerosis.net/author/dsteigleder/ –Kim, moderator

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  • By PandP

    Thank you Mario. Just hearing someone else say what I have not verbalized feels good. I have been married to my husband for almost 35 years. He has been diagnosed for the last 14. The last several years have been lonely for me since all he can do is sleep and sit in a chair and watch TV. Getting up to do anything is an exertion for him. He used to be an over achiever and workaholic. We were planning to do things for our retirement and have our house paid for when that day came. He was forced to retire early leaving our financial plans totally different. I love my husband. I hate MS and resent what it has done to our lives. I want my husband back.

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    • By kellyc101

      I’m super late to this post (by years, lol). I just found this forum. I’m miserable. My 44 year old husband sleeps and watches TV. He has secondary progressive MS. I hate it. I am so miserable and resentful. I do everything alone. This is not how I imagined my life. I’m exhausted and lonely. Lately i’m having a hard time separating my husband from MS. If that makes sense. I’ve gotten to the point where i’d rather do things without him. that i’m contemplating divorce so i could have a full life – but don’t want to leave him or stop caring for him or being his friend. All of this sucks and no one understands. anyway. this thread is so old but i guess it’s good to get it out. :/

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    • By Donna Steigleder Moderator

      @kellyc101 Hi, it’s an old thread but still tracked.
      Sorry to hear how hard life has gotten for you. Obviously, there is a lot you haven’t said underneath what you have implied. I can hear the hurt and frustration in your voice. Not knowing your situation specifically I can’t tell you what to do precisely to say you need to seek an objective party to help you sort out your feelings and how to get beyond where you are, or it will get worse. You might be suffering from caregiver burnout. It’s pretty common when you take care of someone for a long time and don’t feel you’re getting back anything in return. You need a counselor who knows how to treat that to overcome it. Please look for you because I know you don’t want to walk away. Somewhere inside, you still care, and you need to be able to get back there.

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