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Caregivers

The end

  • By teddy s.

    The end game has ended. Multiple Sclerosis has taken my beloved princess Tracey from me, but not without one hell of a fight. She battled you for twenty three years as you gradually took away her physical abilities, but never her positive attitude, spirit, or will to fight. For six days after the ventilator and feeding tube were removed, she fought, knowing that her children were on the way to see her one last time. Finally, when we all said our goodbyes, and told her it was time to stop fighting, she stopped, and died peacefully.

    So why am I posting this in the caregivers forum? I have always taken care of her, but did not become a caregiver until six years ago when she became bedridden with bedsores. As her wounds healed, and then worsened in a vicious, unpredictable cycle, it was easy to overlook the steady decline caused by the advancing MS. As her ability to take care of herself decreased, and her dependence on me increased, we grew closer and closer, our love for each other growing stronger.

    Being a caregiver for someone you love presents unlimited bonding opportunities, and it would be a shame to waste them. Caregiving can be a thankless, difficult task, but if you approach it with bitterness and resentment, it can create a toxic environment in which nothing positive can grow.

    I will grieve her passing, and I do not know what the future will hold, but I do know that I am a much better man, and a much better person, for having the chance to know Tracey; to love her, and to care for her.

    Goodbye, my princess.

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  • By Erin Rush Moderator

    I am so sorry, teddy s. Please know you are welcome to post here anytime. You will ALWAYS be a welcome member of this community. Thank you for the privilege of sharing just a very small part of your journey with Tracey. Your posts have been raw, thoughtful, and so very honest.

    I truly hope you have people to support you as you continue on a new path without Tracey by your side. Don’t hesitate to reach out to this community if there is anything we can do.

    Thank you, Erin, MultipleSclerosis.net Team Member.

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  • By Cathy Chester Moderator

    Teddy S,

    My deepest condolences on the passing of your beloved Tracey. You were blessed to have each other, and having you there with here all this time, with your constant love and caring, surrounded her with the kind of strength she needed most. Her love for you will go on forever. As Erin said, I hope you have people around you to comfort you through this difficult time. Lean on them when you need them. You need to care for yourself the best way you can.

    Please know we are always, always here for you. Please keep us posted on how you are doing.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you and Tracey.

    Cathy, moderator

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  • By Devin Garlit Moderator

    Teddy, I’m so sorry hear of Tracey’s passing. I know that no words of mine will bring comfort to you in this time. I very much appreciate you updating us and making this post. I know I’ve have been thinking of you both since I read your first post. More importantly, your words about, and story of care-giving are important for others to see and may be very helpful for those in bad situations that do not have the courage to share and talk about on their own. If there can be any good in something like this, maybe it’s that.

    My heart is with you, please remember you are always welcome here.

    Devin

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  • By Laura Kolaczkowski

    Teddy,
    Thank you for allowing us to join you in honoring Tracey through your words. I am sorry for her passing and the loss you all must be feeling. Your reflection on care giving and the intimacy that brings to relationships, touches me and I’m sure everyone else who reads your words.

    I know you have good memories to hold close through the days and months ahead, and those will give you comfort. I hope as you think about your role as caregiver, fiance, friend and more for Tracey and her war with MS, you will stop through here and share more. There is so much we can learn from your perspective.

    peace, Laura

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  • By DonnaFA Moderator

    Hi Teddy,

    I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s such a personal thing and while none of us may fully understand your experience, please know that we feel your pain and share in your loss. Thank you so much for sharing Tracey as you knew her.

    To echo some of what Erin shared, You are part of our family and you always will be. Please post whenever you like. You have a unique perspective and can offer so much to others in the community. And know that you’re never alone, we’re always here to listen. -Warmly, Donna (MultipleSclerosis.net team member and part of your tribe)

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  • By teddy s.

    Thank you to everyone for the kind words and support. Adjusting to the loss of a loved one is something I’m sure almost all of us have experienced. There is a great void to fill, not just emotionally, but in terms of time. Caring for, and just spending time with Tracey occupied a large part of my “spare” time (as if this a real thing). For now, there is a lot to do, but once things settle down, and I fall into a new routine, I’m sure I’ll feel the loss much more.

    I have a long commute to work, and it takes me away from home almost 13 hours. My job is such that I don’t need to follow a set schedule, so I find myself writing this post at my desk at 3 a.m. There are enough distractions during the waking hours to make life easier, so I find the hours when I should be sleeping to be the most difficult; when there are no distractions, and you are alone with your thoughts.

    But they are all good thoughts. In spite of all of the difficulties, I have no bad memories of my time with Tracey. I wish we had more time; there were still many things we wanted to do together. It was an awesome 11 years, and to quote Ronnie Milsap, I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.

    Thanks again to everyone for your support. I will still follow your posts, and comment when I feel I can contribute.

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  • By Laura Kolaczkowski

    Teddy – you will be filling the days, months and years ahead with other activities but there will always be a part of you loving Tracey and wishing for more. It does get easier, and you won’t always be seeking ways to fill in the darkness of the night time, but for now continue doing what you have to do to sort it out emotionally. Follow us from close up or follow us from far away – but do join in when you feel it can help us and you!

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  • By Erin Rush Moderator

    Hi teddy s. I hope you are doing ok navigating your new “normal”. Please know we are still thinking of you here at MultipleSclerosis.net. I hope you have support as you are grieving. Best, Erin, MultipleSclerosis.net Team Member.

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