I'm kicking myself today

Both literally and physically (but unintentionally with the physical). I've been journaling hard for the past couple of months as I count down to my MRI in two days. And I now see that there were so many warning signs, so many symptoms that I wrote off as something else between my 2010 appointment that had no lesions but a warning of 'I think you have MS but can't diagnose you. Come back if anything changes.' to December 2023 when the floor fell out from underneath my feet. And still, for the first two weeks of my newest symptom that I recognized as significant, I was in complete denial. I blamed exhaustion and the ridiculous schedule my household was keeping. I blamed the grief of losing my ride or die from middle school through the years. Finally, one night at the end of December I turned to my new husband (married for just over a month after being together for a decade) and said that I thought something was wrong.

But even then, I waited a month before contacting my GP to request a referral to a neurologist. Which she of course refused without an in office visit. Luckily I didn't have to wait for her, her first appointment was June. So I jumped through the hoops and saw a GP to get my referral, but the GP wouldn't proactively order an MRI so I had to wait again. Saw the neurologist, he didn't have much feedback but did order the MRI.

In the meantime, my symptoms are becoming more and more apparent and I'm struggling with everything in my daily life. And new symptoms are emerging. I started a separate notebook just to list my symptoms and known triggers. I'm up to 3 pages of symptoms on a legal pad that I plan to take with me on every appointment.

I should have seen it coming. I should have requested the referral when I got health insurance when it wasn't recommended. I should have advocated for myself earlier. I mentioned it at every appointment I had, but trusted the GP to monitor my health and recommend the visit if she thought there was cause.

And I'm angry with the medical community. Angry that not a single doctor asked any follow up questions about my initial symptoms or any new symptoms. I know that this is really hard to really nail down because everyone experiences different symptoms, and the same symptoms in different ways, but one would think that if a doctor hears that MS is on the table and their patient has experienced increasing numbness and tingling and spasticity for years that they would ask follow up questions.

I have so much love and respect for everyone who works in the healthcare field, and it breaks my heart that in this moment I am so very angry with them. I know it's a shared responsibility, but emotions are tumultuous and I am scared about the results of Wednesday's MRI. I'm scared that it won't show enough and I'll be back in purgatory. I'm scared that it will show years of unchecked damage that could have been delayed by earlier treatment. I'm scared that my current neurologist may not be listening to me. And I'm scared that since COVID came to our world there are less people working in healthcare, and the wait times to even be seen are growing longer and longer.

I'm not looking to this community for any answers, just want to share my bare honest truth. This is the journey. The long walk that leads to everyone who is here being amazing. Being humble. Showing their own truths. It's so much important to recognize the steps along the way and be able to acknowledge the days that aren't the best. That our emotions betray us.

I appreciate every one of you, and if you made it all the way to the end of my long, so very long venting of naked honest emotions, know that even though I've never met you, and likely never will, I respect you. I honor you. I appreciate you. And I believe in you. And channeling that energy out into the world helps me stay a little more positive in the dark moments.