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The MS Brain

'Colossal Meltdown"

So yesterday was hard. No point in explaining all the details, but suffice it to say, it was enough to drive me over the edge to a colossal meltdown of a proportion not seen since I was probably 2 or 3 years old. I was covering my ears and yelling stop… Unfortunately I realized later it was my own brain I was trying to stop. When Multiple Sclerosis affects your brain it does so in a very insidious way. It affects the actual brain structure, it affects the processing of information, it affects the tolerance level that your emotions can tolerate. Quite frankly MS is a son of a bitch!!!

What I realize now, looking back at yesterday, is that I’m going to have to find a way to come to terms with the “monster inside me”. Honestly, I’m not sure if that monster is the MS or that monster is a 2 or 3 year old child locked inside this 47 year old body.

Either way, since I can’t do a damn thing about having MS, my only choices are to let it eat me up or to fight back against the monster.

I don’t have all (or maybe any) of the answers right this minute, but as long as I’m still asking the questions, I assume I’ve still got a chance to make things better.

  1. Thank you @cheyennejourney, as a moderator, I'm not sure I'm supposed to say this, but I agree, MS is a real son of a bitch! I know exactly how you feel, and as much as I hate to admit it, I think I have more meltdowns now then I did when I was 2-3 years old. It's OK to have the occasional meltdown, as long as you pick yourself up and keep moving. I see MS as something I have to adapt to, it may (and has) change me, but that's OK, as long as I adapt. Asking questions and keeping an open mind will help you keep living a good life. It sounds like you have a great attitude, thanks for sharing your thoughts!

    1. Thank you!

  2. MS does suck! I have been feeling like I am losing my mind for years now (diagnosed 2007). You never know when your brain is going to flake, and that is extremely frustrating. My life motto used to be mind over matter. I truely believed I could do ANYTHING if I put my mind to it. MS forced me to rethink that. Again and again. I am not me anymore. I am angry, bitter, short-tempered, oh, and I really dont even know has to be the MS, right? I have plenty of lesions on my brain to make that case. Anyhow, about your tantrum...learn to apologize. I have to regularly because many of my responses require it. Dont make any promises that it wont happen might. Just promise that you will try to not get back to that spot. You can promise to try. When you feel things piling up inside of you, make a note that you have real issues you are trying to contain/control, and that if you can, take a moment before you respond to people. Take that moment to gather yourself before you respond to people that actually have zero idea of the inner turmoil you are grappling with. MS sucks because most of what we struggle with is entirely invisible. The worst things we struggle with are invisible. In the beginning, I was terrified of being wheelchair bound, but I now realize at least that would be a visible setback. People would better understand you are not perfectly healthy/normal. Today, I would trade my legs to have my brain back to what it used to be.

    1. Agree 100%

      Thank you!

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