Fear of Being Vulnerable: Dating and Sharing Your MS Diagnosis

By Dixie Willis, MA, LPCC, NCC

2 min read

Before the second date with the man who is now my partner, I looked up his name and found out that he had been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis in 2017. Reading about his diagnosis didn’t push me away from him – it made me want to know more about him.

Opening up to each other

On our second date, we had a conversation about his MS diagnosis, which opened us up to being more vulnerable even though we both had fear around how the other would respond to the conversation. He later shared with me how scared he was about the idea of having to tell me about his diagnosis and how relieved he was when I brought it up.

I chose to go on a third date with him because he was fun, living life, and quite handsome. I felt inspired by his journey of living fully with MS. I didn’t see his disease; I saw the beautiful man that he was and is today.

The fear of dating

As a professional counselor and life coach, I’ve listened to clients who have been diagnosed with a chronic or life-threatening disease say that they didn’t feel they would be able to date again or have a significant person in their life. They would ask, “Why would anyone want to date me? I have a disease.” I would then ask my client(s), “what if this is an opportunity for you to instill hope, courage, and empowerment to be yourself in spite of the diagnosis?"

I have witnessed healing when clients love, know, and accept who they are way beyond their disease.

Loving and supporting my partner

As a partner of a loved one diagnosed with MS, I choose to love and support him right where he is without sympathy, but empathy. I have seen his anger, pain, and fear. He knows that I am a safe space where he feels heard and seen. He chooses to live a beautiful, empowered life despite his diagnosis.

In no way am I saying that I know what it’s like to be diagnosed with a chronic or life-threatening disease, or that I know how scary it would be to go on a date and put myself out there after being diagnosed. I am saying that we have a choice. When ready, we can to choose to love ourselves to move forward in our lives, even if it’s scary.

Yes, there are days that are almost unbearable, and days when we can choose to love ourselves right where we are and give ourselves the love we deserve. When we are ready, we just might become vulnerable and go on that date…we don't know unless we try.

Being vulnerable

I am so grateful that my partner chose to love himself enough to be vulnerable and have the courage to go on a date with me and just be himself. I hope others can choose to love themselves and be vulnerable, if and when they feel ready.

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind” ~ Bernard Baruch

This article represents the opinions, thoughts, and experiences of the author; none of this content has been paid for by any advertiser. The MultipleSclerosis.net team does not recommend or endorse any products or treatments discussed herein. Learn more about how we maintain editorial integrity here.

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CommunityMember793d9b Member
 Dixie, thank you so much for this article! It is SO important to hear from caregivers and partners of people living with MS (PLwMS). When MS flared up the first time, I too thought nobody would ever want me again. But self-love soon brought me back to social media and a dating life. A second marriage ended in its 2nd year when he decided he didn't want to take the whole MS journey with me. But I got right back in the saddle and didn't stop dating--and that was ten years ago. I won't give up on finding love, I still have plenty to give. Thanks again, Dixie, for sharing a bit of your personal story and relationship with a PLwMS. It will give hope to so many who feel like they are not lovable now that they live with chronic illness and disability. Cheers, Kim, moderator
1. Dixie Willis, MA, LPCC, NCC Moderator & Contributor
 <inline-mention username="CommunityMember793d9b" user-id="6680761"/> Hi Kim, Thank you so much for sharing too. I love that self love brought you back to dating and that you know there is so much hope.
Therry Neilsen Moderator & Contributor
I remember when my fairly new husband (we'd been married about eight years at the time) and I were facing this new diagnosis. I didn't know at the time that lots of marriages fail at the diagnosis with a chronic illness, and when I asked Wally why he wanted to stay with me and live with who knows what! for a long time to come and he just looked at me and said, "We put it in the vows for a reason : In sickness and in health, old girl, sickness and health!" Neither of us knew at the time that I would put us through a much more dire prognosis for the survival of our marriage: I went to Andover Newton Theological School and got an <a href='http://M.Div' target='_blank' rel='noopener noreferrer ugc'>M.Div</a>. degree shortly after my diagnosis with Secondary Progressive MS, and one partner going to pursue a career in ministry is pretty dire when it comes to the survival of one's marriage, I'll tell you. But he trotted out the sickness and health memory agaqin and by George, we made it! I graduated with my degree in 2000 and started using a Disease Modifying Therapy that pretty much put an end to meaningful disase activity: Copaxone gave me only one exacerbation between starting therapy and now, twenty three years later. Let's hear it for marriage vows and disease modulating therapy! Fifty years with my MRS degree and forty five with my MS degree! 
1. Dixie Willis, MA, LPCC, NCC Moderator & Contributor
 <inline-mention username="Therry Neilsen" user-id="4095618"/> Hi Therry! Congrats to you and Wally for truly working together on this journey and for your <a href='http://M.Div' target='_blank' rel='noopener noreferrer ugc'>M.Div</a> degree! It sounds like you both held on tight and are still going strong!!!
txo6qm Member
How were you able to look up the MS diagnosis of the person who is now your partner?
1. Dixie Willis, MA, LPCC, NCC Moderator & Contributor
 <inline-mention username="txo6qm" user-id="4087500"/> Hi! His name is public and he talks openly about MS and he is a coach who helps people diagnosed with MS.
txo6qm Member
As a follow up, did he post his diagnosis on social media?
1. Dixie Willis, MA, LPCC, NCC Moderator & Contributor
 <inline-mention username="txo6qm" user-id="4087500"/> Hi again, he works a lot on social media with his business and has written a book about his diagnosis which supports people diagnosed with MS.
Pirate1969 Member
I was diagnosed in 2020. First thing out of my wife’s mouth when I told her was, “Better you than me.” Made me feel very alone in this. Looks like we are on the path to divorce now. Thank you for sharing this with us. Give’s hope.
1. Dixie Willis, MA, LPCC, NCC Moderator & Contributor
 <inline-mention username="Pirate1969" user-id="4200011"/> Hi, I can only imagine how lonely that comment made you feel. Thank you for sharing too. It's good to see you in a supportive community so that you hopefully feel a little less alone and hopeful. 
2. yoshitail9 Member
 Pirate 1969. I don't mean to sound insensitive but it's time for her to walk the plank.
Dartplayerinwvc Member
Try telling your next possible Lover, significant other, that you have MS and bathroom issues and have to wear pullups and diapers on trips longer than 20 to 30 minutes AT BEST and at night... because MS is screwing with you and doesn't let you know you have to go to the restroom ....and the only REAL ones that work are from those places that cater to the fetish side of things...
1. Lori Foster Member
 That must be a very difficult conversation, <inline-mention username="Dartplayerinwvc" user-id="6768896"/>. I am sure that could attract some serious weirdos. I would worry about anyone who got excited when they heard you wear pull-ups. But I also know of people who were in similar situations when they met their spouses and they both got past it. They got past it because they each fell in love with the person and falling in love with the person made it much easier to navigate the difficulties. One of our advocates in another community likes to talk about the day he met and fell in love with his wife, who also works for us as an advocate. She was in a wheelchair on an elevator and she made some sarcastic remark that made him laugh. He says he knew then and there he had to get to know her better . They have been married for at least a decade now. She has limited mobility, but her condition is simply part of their everyday life. They deal with it together. I hope you don't give up on finding the right person someday. Wishing you the best. - Lori (Team Member)
2. Dixie Willis, MA, LPCC, NCC Moderator & Contributor
 Hi, It would be hard to be vulnerable and share with a potential new significant other and then find out it is a fetish of hers or his. It can make being open and vulnerable even harder for possible future significant others. There are people who will accept you as you are as I did and do with my partner; it's just really hard when something like this happens and it's not what you want or the type of person you want to be with in a relationship.
jungy Member
A wonderfully optimistic philosophy re MS: hope, courage, love, empowerment. 
1. Dixie Willis, MA, LPCC, NCC Moderator & Contributor
 Hi <inline-mention username="jungy" user-id="4015512"/>, Thank you! I'm glad this brought hope, courage, love and empowerment to you. I wish you the best.

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