Moving Through a Relapse
MS is different for everyone, and the same goes for relapses. After 18 years of living with MS, I am much better at identifying a relapse, but MS can be tricky.
Noticing worsening symptoms
Back in December when my symptoms seemed to worsen significantly and new symptoms decided to join the party, I was concerned. I couldn’t rule out stress as the cause, so I decided to track my symptoms: the intensity, frequency, what the symptom felt like, triggers, things that helped and more. Plus, I focused on stress management, getting enough sleep, eating a nutrient-rich diet, and staying hydrated.
I told myself that if things really went off the deep end and my mobility or essential functioning was impacted, I would contact my doctor immediately. Otherwise I would wait until my MRI and follow-up appointment the first week of January.
Confirmation
For the next few weeks stress leveled out, but symptoms were worsening. The MRI and appointment came at the perfect time (FYI - if it wasn’t the week of the MRI and appointment, I would have messaged my doctor to share my symptoms and ask about a game plan).
Sure enough the MRI showed a new lesion, which explained my symptoms. The rest of the appointment was an action-packed whirlwind, and I left the office still in shock that I was having a (yet another) relapse.
The frustration of a relapse
Thinking you are having a relapse and knowing you are having a relapse are two different beasts: both are taxing in their own way. What followed after that doctor appointment was a series of conflicting emotions: happiness and validation that my symptoms have an explanation, dread of going through a setback (again), frustration with the need to change medicine (again), annoyance with doing steroids (again), grief over what was, fear of what will be, and the list goes on. There were moments of anger, denial, sadness, and unsurprisingly an eerie feeling of peace.
IF I absolutely had to pick a silver lining for setbacks like relapses, it’s that they put everything in perspective to me. Prioritizing life’s daily demands becomes easy. If it doesn’t have to do with my health and wellbeing or basic survival, I don’t care. Knowing my priorities when healing from a relapse brings peace in a way that is only experienced when you are going through something so big, so momentous, that you have no choice but to shut everything else out.
Obviously I wouldn’t choose to have a health crisis just to get a side of peace, but I’ll take tranquility where I can get it, especially when I am working through a relapse.
Relapses are never easy
After living almost half my life with MS and over a dozen relapses, one thing I can confidently say is that relapses are never easy. You can know what they are, you can experience them in the past, but it never fails that a new relapse is the ultimate wrench in your plans.
However, like all the challenges MS throws our way, we handle it. Sometimes it’s not the most graceful, sometimes it is ugly crying for what feels like forever, but slowly, moment by moment and day by day, pieces come back together. Maybe not in the same way that they were before, but in a beautifully imperfect way shaped by your unique experience. Just like how MS is different for everyone, relapses and the way you move through one is, too. There is no right way; as long as it works for you, that is all that matters.
Moving forward
It’s been at least 5 months since that doctor appointment, and I am still balancing out from the relapse. Things are better in some ways, different in others. While I can’t see what the end of the recovery journey looks like, I can shift my focus to the present moment and what is within my control, which is caring for myself as best as possible to set myself up for the best future.
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