I've Got a Short Fuse
It’s hard for me to fully remember on how I “used to be” pre-diagnosis, but I don’t believe that I had as ‘short of a fuse’, so to say. This is just something that I’ve been trying to monitor and compare, to see what triggers me, etc. It’s almost like my anxiety and my anger go together at times. I used to be chilled out, not a whole lot bothered me… but back in the day, neither of my kids had the vocabulary that they do today. So who knows? Anyways, back to the point I wanted to make. I feel like I never had to deal with true anxiety issues, until after I was diagnosed.
It's gotten worse over time
My husband has even pointed out that I used to not freak out over certain things before, that I do now. Maybe I was a bit of a pushover back then? Who knows? But I have been getting to that point where certain things throughout my day will build up and make me almost feel like I’m having a panic attack at times. Or it could lead me to feel very angry/agitated and I can’t get out of that certain mood easily. Let me also state that I am on medication for depression/anxiety, so that helps. But no medicine that I take makes things 100% better. I think a lot of the time I just feel so overwhelmed with everything that I have going on, then I’m asked to do something else on top of it all, and I just reach my exploding point. I feel bad afterwards, but I can’t help how I feel.
Now with the anxiety, it can build up or it can come out of nowhere also. I could be having a really good day, mood wise, then all of a sudden something just takes my anxiety level through the roof and I freak out. Then I get to thinking, “What else is this awful disease going to cause or make me feel? Haven’t I been through enough already?” Well sometimes, apparently not. I’ve had people tell me, “Once you hit rock bottom, the only way to go is up.” I also have said this in the past, but now I feel like…yeah, it can get worse. It can always get worse. Will it get better with time? Yes. But that doesn’t help me out with the here and now.
When I reach my limit
I also feel that when I reach my ‘limit’ of bull that I can handle at that time, I shut down. I distance myself; I become quiet… people will ask me what’s wrong. I just don’t have the energy to even tell them. Because I’m trying to calm myself down and have a ‘chill’ moment, without interruptions. Do you know how hard it is to have a ‘chill moment’ without interruptions when you have two young boys? VERY DIFFICULT. I have been trying to do things here and there to help me relax… go get a massage, mani/pedi, etc. Does that help for the time being? Yes, it does… but it’s not a long-term fix. When I reach that moment where my anxiety level is through the roof, it causes me to get snippy with people, which then can cause it’s own issues.
There's no easy solution
I don’t want to have to take a medication to make me ‘mellow’. I want to be easy-going and less snippy about things, especially when it involves my husband and kids. It’s almost as if I want to be anxiety free, that I need to live in a sound proof bubble, and that’s just not possible. I’ve been trying to find different ways to help me out with this, but at times, like now, I feel like there is no helping the matter. I’m at a loss of what to do, how to handle things, how to move forward, because I’m so emotionally drained from everything that led me to this point. I’m not trying to be depressing about this, or anything like that. I’m just venting out my issue with anxiety and my MS, along with daily life. I know that I usually write about things in a sarcastic way, with a sense of humor. But I just can’t find the humor in this situation at this time.
Do you celebrate your MS Anniversary?