My Apologies

As I was getting to my computer so I could sit down and write this before I forgot, I made my first apology. I apologized to the end table that I repeatedly run in to with my toes. Yes, I am now apologizing to it because I feel that I have caused it a lot of damage when it jumps out in front of me all the time.

Now, on a serious note, I wanted to write a big apology: for those I have been abrupt with, rude, snippy, etc. Since I can’t remember all the things I have said or done to everyone I have come across that meant well, I just wanted to write one big apology and try to explain why I reacted the way I did.

I'm sorry for...

To the person that saw me struggling, trying to do something over and over again without being successful. You offered me your assistance, and I replied with an attitude in an angry tone, “No, I got this.” I’m sorry. Please know that my response and emotions at that time were not directed at you, but towards my MS. MS has robbed me of many things since being diagnosed, and I continue to fight it, trying to prove it wrong, trying until I can do what I want to do… even if that takes me over an hour to accomplish a pretty simple task, like lacing up a shoe.

Jealousy

To the person that insisted on getting up to get something for me when you saw me struggling at the end of the day. If I was rude to you after you offered to help me when I had trouble getting up and getting moving after finally sitting down, I’m very sorry. My emotions were not directed towards you. I’m mad at myself, my MS to be specific, for not allowing me to do what I so easily did before. Things people do so easily without a second thought or struggle. My reaction was probably a bit of jealousy also.

Genuine advice with true care

To the person that genuinely offered their advice and/or opinion to me, with true care and just wanting to help me out. I’m sorry if I was rude to you in my response or showed that I did not care what you were offering to me. I am very grateful that you care, and my reaction was not meant for you. It just so happened that I had dealt with three other people that same day, but they were trying to sell me a ‘miracle cure’. It’s hard to be told so many things by so many people that don’t really realize how much they are getting your hopes up with their opinions/advice/products. It’s hard to want to try something new from advice or suggestions that were given, when I have done so in the past, and ended up disappointed with no result.

True compliments

To the person that told me, “but you look so good” or “you don’t look like you have MS” while being 100% genuine about it, thank you. My sarcastic response was uncalled for, and I apologize. Unfortunately there are people out there that gain their self esteem by being rude and/or sarcastic with their comments, and it has caused me to be on guard. This isn’t your fault, and thank you for caring. (For some insight on what people with MS have to hear from people that are not genuine, click here. If you are a loved one and/or caregiver to someone with MS, and are wondering what you SHOULD say, click here.)

Also, I’m sorry to my loved ones

I’m sorry that you have to live with MS, because of me. I know I didn’t ask for this, but neither did you. They say there are so many people in the world that have been diagnosed with MS, what about the number of how many people have to technically LIVE with MS, by having a family member or friend diagnosed? I’m sorry to my loved ones, for not being the person I used to be, and I thank you for still sticking around when others left.

Everyone who has to live with this ugly disease

Finally, I’m sorry to everyone else that has to live with this ugly disease, or any other chronic illness similar to it. I wish none of us had to deal with the pain and struggle that comes with a chronic illness. I’m sorry that I can’t be there to support each and every one of you, when we all deserve the most support we can get.

Living with Multiple Sclerosis and other illnesses is not easy. It’s a battle that you have to fight each and every day. Because of the constant battle, we are at times frustrated, angry, upset, emotional, etc. I’m not trying to use this an excuse for my behavior, but I am trying to help you better understand our point-of-view.

xoxo

Ashley Ringstaff