It’s Okay Not to Be Okay!
Last updated: November 2021
The past month has been one of the most challenging times in my life. I struggled to keep it together. I found myself crying all the time, and I could barely eat. Sadness completely engulfed me. Suffering from multiple sclerosis makes me feel broken.
Sometimes I feel permanently shattered and unable to be repaired. I took a timeout from everyone and everything. I questioned whether I would share this experience. It is one of my most vulnerable moments. But, I believe someone somewhere can find comfort in these words. It's okay to not be okay.
The impact of honesty
If I'm honest, I've heard that phrase a million times and never truly understood it until recently. We are taught to push through life with our heads held high, an unwavering force that laughs in the face of despair. I know this is being dramatic, but that is how it feels.
There are no moments for vulnerability and sadness. My husband asked his mother when do I get to break down? She replied never. I agreed with that assessment until my diagnosis. It was game over after that—no fighting back the tears and hiding my pain. My feelings were on full display.
A tribute to those who fight
I felt weak being candid with my emotions. Now I refuse to call it a 'weak moment' because it's not. Strength appears at times it's needed. Battling depression, a chronic illness, and other mental health issues are far from weak. Frankly, I believe not enough respect is given to those who fight.
It is hard getting out of bed on days you want to sleep forever (I do not mean suicide, but sometimes sleep is the only place I want to be.) Once out of bed, you have to face the world. It's tough, and it is not spoken about enough. If all you did today was get out of bed, I applaud you. I know it was challenging, and you did it anyway.
Finding strength in yourself
I did not know if I could make it through this month. Again not meaning suicide, I worried I would fall into the depths of sadness. Unable to return to a functional state of self again. Usually, leaning on friends helps. But, it was not enough this time. I had to prop myself up.
In my 30 years of life, I never thought I could do it. Propping myself up is not one of my strong suits. Somehow I made it through my diagnosis and now this recent event. It was up to me to process through my emotions.
A better place than where I started
Dig through the silt to get to the other side. I gained that phrase from the book I'm reading, 'All the Joy You Can Stand.' It is a powerful and insightful read, and I recommend it. I still have a lot of work left to do. But, I'm in a better place than where I started.
I want to leave you with this quote. It has helped me during my darkest days. I hope it can help you too.
"Whenever you find yourself doubting how far you can go, just remember how far you have come. Remember everything you have faced, all the battles you have won, and all the fears you have overcome." - N.R. Walker
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