If I Could Get Better, I Would

By Devin Garlit

3 min read

“Have you tried this diet? Maybe you’d be better if you worked out more. Have you tried using more weed? I heard mushrooms are helpful, can you try that? I just read about bee venom, maybe that would help you?”

How many times have you had someone suggest some sort of miracle cure to you? OK, forget cure, even just something they believe will be helpful? I don’t know about you, but I’ve heard (and continue to hear) these types of sentiments a lot during my life with MS.

Good intentions

I like to believe that everyone that has a suggestion for how I should live with my disease has good intentions. I want to believe that they truly have my best interests in mind. That they are offering up these tidbits of advice to improve my life.

I’m sure I can see myself doing the same thing (hey, I probably have and haven’t even realized it) if they had a problem. It should feel nice to have someone care about me enough to offer up suggestions on how to better my life, right?

It feels a bit insulting

The thing is, getting suggestions and advice from others doesn’t usually feel that good to me. Do they think that I don’t keep up with the possible treatments? That I haven’t tried many of the legitimate options available to me? Do they think that I want to be this way?

It’s upsetting if they think I am not doing everything possible to fight this disease. For someone who fights so hard to battle his illness, it sometimes feels a bit like a slap in the face to get advice from others. If I could do something to get better, I would, and it’s hurtful to think they don’t think that. I am not sick because I want to be.

Another upsetting aspect of unsolicited advice is that they are telling me about something they heard because that’s what they primarily associate me with: my illness. No one wants to be thought of for their illness, so sometimes when someone goes and offers up a suggestion, it makes me think that this is all they think of me. It feels like my life is summed up entirely by my illness. I want people to think more of me than just my disease.

I do enough work

Another reason getting advice from others is troubling is that my illness already consumes so many aspects of my life, and I don’t want it to take over my relationships, too. I do work hard to manage my illness and I need a break from it, so it’s often the very last thing I want to discuss with friends and family.

I want those I surround myself with to be a reason to keep fighting the good fight, not necessarily for them to be part of the fight. I feel the best thing someone who knows a person with MS can do is to treat them like you did before they got MS.

You can help

If you really want to help someone with MS, just be there to listen to them and make sure they know you are there to listen. Do your best to not make suggestions unless asked. Don’t try to fix us, just be there for us.

If you have MS and you are tired of people offering up solutions, try to take a step back and remember they are only trying to be helpful. I keep trying to remember that and I know it’s not easy, so consider talking to them about this issue the next time they do it. Or maybe just email them this article!

Thanks so much for reading and feel free to share! As always, I would love to hear about your experiences in the comments below!

Devin

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amybmelv Member
Dear Devin, You nailed it as usual!! The feelings are real...yes they have best interest, but yes it does feel insulting. It also feels like "they" think they have the answers and knowledge so they think why wouldn't you try (fill in the blank) I have heard from some that think they absolutely could heal MS...ugh.... I know there have been miracles, but they are few and far between!!! Keep doing what you do Devin. Thank you.
1. bonbonblu Member
 <inline-mention username="amybmelv" user-id="3943166"/> my jerk ex used to come up with stuff all the time with his theories of what I "really" had. Spider bite did it, etc. Groan.
cheyennejourney Member
Thank you for this article Devin. You express, so well, what many of us feel, but can't articulate. Thank you for your voice.
bonbonblu Member
Great piece, this is tricky stuff. Complicated to be on the inside of, and hard to communicate to others about, so they know what best to do. Your writing is so great. I really appreciate it.
Therry Neilsen Moderator & Contributor
Devin, the first person who ever commented to me about MS asked me if I had heard about bee sting therapy. Seriously. And I remember another woman who talked to me about naturopathic medicine. I unwisely told her that there wasn't much allopathic medicine could do for me, so I wasn't inclined to try naturopathic medicine. At that point, she looked at me pityingly and said, Well, if you don't WANT to get better, there's nothing I can do for you.
1. Alene L. Brennan, RYT Moderator & Contributor
 I'm sorry to hear that you had that experience <inline-mention username="Therry Neilsen" user-id="4095618"/>! That person not only sounds uneducated but lacking compassion and understanding for a world that she doesn't live in. It's upsetting and insulting for sure. That's why it's wonderful to have a place like this to vent where people get it! We can't change others, but we can certainly support one another through the bumps and bruises we get along the way - Alene moderator.
Alene L. Brennan, RYT Moderator & Contributor
This is a great article! Thanks so much for sharing Devin. It's crazy how many people think there are quick and easy fixes to complex diseases. My mom would get comments like this a lot when she was living with cancer - she was constantly being told about vita injections - and then once I was diagnosed with MS, I started hearing "recommendations" for MS. I agree, people have the best of intentions, but it's not always received that way. Thanks for being the voice to this issue that clearly resonates with so many people in our community here.