The Good Place... My Acceptance... MS
First off, I'm in a pretty good place right now. I say that with caution because it is a complex and touchy statement. I'll try my best to clarify in very simple terms but I am afraid only those with MS will understand. Really in my opinion mostly those with MS for 10 or more years will fully understand. Not to insult anyone under the 10-year mark but I recently read an article about the same thing. I'll put a link to the article at the end of this for those interested in that subject.
Things have changed drastically in one year
I have been living with MS for 13 years now and had many ups and downs. I've adapted in ways I look back on now and find it hard to believe that I did and kept going. I say that now because today things have changed drastically in one year. I experienced what I call my worst year with MS in 2018. For almost all of 2018. I'll discuss 2018 another day but today is about accepting who I am today. 2018 I was in bed most of the year and now I'm fighting to be the best me each day.
Having to learn my body all over again
Some days staying awake all day is a tough thing to do but I take it as a good day. Some days I am able to ride my riding mower and mow the lawn if it's not too hot outside. That's usually early in the morning or right before dark. That's a major win but the next day is rough to get through. I have learned over the years that when I push myself, the next day will suck. The problem now is after 13 years of damage occurring in my body I'm having to learn my body all over again. I have stopped doing a lot of things that I used to do because I'm not sure if I can adapt again. I have always found new ways to do old things like painting and playing the guitar. Those ways don't work anymore so I have to start from scratch again. This really was defeating to me to be in this position after learning and teaching myself to use unusual and unorthodox styles of making music and artwork. My dexterity is completely shot. How do I go on? Can I go on?
Still me regardless of what I do
That's what I was thinking and after questioning myself and wondering who I was now if I didn't make art or music anymore. I finally accepted the fact that I was still me. I am me regardless of what I do. I just wanted to feel better first and foremost. I am cool with that now and taking baby steps each day. I'm taking wins when I make them happen. Small things to most people are huge to me. I get that now. I was worried about not being a musician and artist. I forgot that I was more than that. I still have a long way to go but I am going.
I say with caution, I'm in a good place
I'm constantly thinking about new ways to try making music and art. That's huge accepting that I can't right now and I may never again. I haven't given up mentally even though physically I know I can't. That was the first step back. I honestly don't know if I will be able to get there but I'm okay either way now. I don't hope or have faith that it will happen I just keep doing what I can each day. I plan to try these new ideas when the time is right. One day I will play the guitar somehow. One day I will paint again somehow. Until those days come I am Chris Cox. If those days don't come I am still Chris Cox. I am happy to be alive and able to think about solving these things. I'm thinking clearly and considering all of the options that can help me make each day a win. That is why I said cautiously, I'm in a good place.
Even though my body isn't cooperating with my brain right now, my brain is cooperating with my body. Like I said I am learning to be me all over again. That's what I call accepting the situation but still thinking I wonder what I can do today to make it just a little better. Isn't that what we all do anyway? Yeah, I'm in a good place because I know my limits now and accept those limits. That doesn't mean one day I might crack the code to stretch the limits.
Do you celebrate your MS Anniversary?