Sometimes I Want to Disappear
Last updated: January 2018
There are days when I feel the weight of Multiple Sclerosis. I feel it emotionally. I feel it physically. On these days, sometimes I want to disappear. Maybe not permanently, but just a slow fade into ghost land. Like the Invisible Man, I want to be there, but unseen.
I haven’t written for a while, because that weight has been almost unbearable. I hurt physically, therefore have been blocked mentally. In the last 2 months, MS has taken much from me. It is ok, because it has also given me a chance to evaluate my life. As I take stock, I find so many things to be grateful for. My children, my grandchildren, even this life altering disease.
When you are diagnosed with something over which you have no control, it forces you to take a different viewpoint. You can choose to wallow in self-pity, or you can find the good. Gratitude is a powerful force that opens the doors of healing.
Healing does not always mean the disease is gone. Healing can come in the form of forgiveness, happiness in the face of adversity, freedom to live life in its truest form.
Even when I try to be positive and thankful, I must still be careful not to let myself fall and dwell in the pit of sadness. It happens sometimes. I fall. I walk around in the valley, but I do not stay. I have amazing friends and family that are somehow connected to me and know the exact time to call or text. I have been blessed with the friends that I have chosen and who have chosen me. People say you know who your real friends are when tragedy strikes. I have not lost any friends on this journey. The people who had been in my life have remained and I have gained new ones.
On this day, I wanted to disappear. On this day, I wanted to be in ghost land. But on this day, gratitude wins.
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