Sometimes I Want to Disappear

There are days when I feel the weight of Multiple Sclerosis. I feel it emotionally. I feel it physically. On these days, sometimes I want to disappear. Maybe not permanently, but just a slow fade into ghost land. Like the Invisible Man, I want to be there, but unseen.

I haven’t written for a while, because that weight has been almost unbearable. I hurt physically, therefore have been blocked mentally. In the last 2 months, MS has taken much from me. It is ok, because it has also given me a chance to evaluate my life. As I take stock, I find so many things to be grateful for. My children, my grandchildren, even this life altering disease.

When you are diagnosed with something over which you have no control, it forces you to take a different viewpoint. You can choose to wallow in self-pity, or you can find the good. Gratitude is a powerful force that opens the doors of healing.

Healing does not always mean the disease is gone. Healing can come in the form of forgiveness, happiness in the face of adversity, freedom to live life in its truest form.

Even when I try to be positive and thankful, I must still be careful not to let myself fall and dwell in the pit of sadness. It happens sometimes. I fall. I walk around in the valley, but I do not stay. I have amazing friends and family that are somehow connected to me and know the exact time to call or text. I have been blessed with the friends that I have chosen and who have chosen me. People say you know who your real friends are when tragedy strikes. I have not lost any friends on this journey. The people who had been in my life have remained and I have gained new ones.

On this day, I wanted to disappear. On this day, I wanted to be in ghost land. But on this day, gratitude wins.

This article represents the opinions, thoughts, and experiences of the author; none of this content has been paid for by any advertiser. The MultipleSclerosis.net team does not recommend or endorse any products or treatments discussed herein. Learn more about how we maintain editorial integrity here.

Comments

View Comments (4)
  • JDeabler
    12 months ago

    Hi Erica-I have been and still am in one those valleys you mention. And as before, like you, I came out then and will come out the other side as the my current physical symptoms of my MS settle down a bit. Also true is the emotional impact the physical changes can cause. Having MS as long as I have and having lived relapse free on Copaxone for 16 years, this latest bout with my illness and receiving a change in my MS type to secondary progressive has been almost like being newly diagnosed….almost. It’s hit me hard. Sixteen years is a long time. During that time I always knew this could happen at any time so I tried to live as positively and as gratefully as I possibly could for as long as I could and to share that message with as many people as possible in the MS community. By working for a major MS non-profit for 12 years and volunteering as a patient advocate for TEVA Pharm., I was blessed to meet amazing people both with/without MS, meet many people I still consider friends today and hopefully, spread a message of “Living a Positive Life with MS.” I have always been grateful for my children, my loved ones and my close friends. All that to say, I agree wholeheartedly with your title to this post, “Sometimes I Want to Disappear,” especially now. I am always thankful for what I have, what I have accomplished, the people in my life and the knowledge that I will be ok with a possibly different, new normal and be fully visible again.

  • ericawilson author
    12 months ago

    JDeabler, thank you so much for your heartfelt post! I can understand how devastating your progressive diagnosis must be, but your positive attitude and support system will be a Godsend. I will say a special prayer for you, my friend.

    All my best,
    Erica

  • ericawilson author
    12 months ago

    Thank you for your kind words, Erin!

  • Erin Rush moderator
    12 months ago

    Thank you very much for writing this, Erica Wilson! I am sorry you have been going through a season of loss and re-evaluation. I know those seasons can be really tough, but also a time of growth. I am glad you have been able to focus on the good things in your life over the negatives.

    I especially love your last paragraph! What an eloquent way of putting just what a life journey with a chronic condition is — letting gratitude win more often than not, even on those days when you want to disappear.

    Thank you again for sharing! While we wish no one had MS, we are glad to have you as a part of the MultipleSclerosis.net community.

    Best, Erin, MultipleSclerosis.net Team Member.

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