I don’t remember life before MS
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Profile photo of B.L.

I know I used to be thin, beautiful and a very hard worker. But I don’t remember it. My MS is the same as the stories I’ve read; the countless articles, etc. However, I have a overwhelming sense of loneliness. I try to do good; I stick to my doctor’s plan. I always listen and take notes, I’ve even started walking a mile a day. Most days. Sometimes, I can’t and we all know as MS’ers that somedays are just not good. I think what bothers me most about ms and my life is that my mind is always second guessing itself and I don’t have a loving husband anymore. I got sick and he left. Easy as that- a 14 year down the tubes because I was sick. Now, nearly 7 years later, I still am a “divorcee”. I can’t get a loan approved for my home; even though I used to have my own home, now when I tell potential lenders that I’m totally and permanently disabled, they cease to return my calls. I always try my best but never feel like I’m doing enough. The fatigue is awful, as anyone with MS knows, it’s not just fatigue -it’s like your whole body for a day, a week, however long and you are left trying to walk through quicksand. I get the looks, you know, those looks of pity or people’s way saying they don’t understand why I’m disabled when I “look perfectly fine” ugh. How I hate that phrase. I’m just like everyone else with MS; I live in GA; which has the craziest weather fluctuations. One day it’s freezing temps; the next week it’s 90 degrees! And that’s no joke or overstatement. That takes a HUGE toll on me. And the humidity, oh- no matter how much estradiol I take; it still makes me sweat like I’ve run a marathon. While just walking is something I’m trying hard every day to do. I don’t think I let anyone really see my true weaknesses; the days I cannot get out of bed because I tried to do something “normal” the day before. I’ve met a lot of nice people along my journey the past 4 years after being diagnosed; but, I have also met some not so nice people. But always, the people I “meet” online that have this disease or has a loved one with it, are some of the greatest people of all. So I guess I don’t really remember who I used to be; it’s just a blessing to know now who I am. Day by Day. With the love and support of my grandmother and mother.

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