Being a Partner of someone with MS
Hello there,
This is a question directed mostly at the partners of people with MS, but please anyone can add their reaction to this.
This is a long story, and one where I feel terrible about myself, so I will preface it that it's been a difficult few months and that i'm not proud of myself...
I've been together with my gf for 12 years now, i'm 28 and she's 29. She was diagnosed with Relapsing Remitting MS about 6 years ago and it mostly affects her cognitive abilities. I love her dearly, but these last months I've had some personal struggles.
Namely, I crushed on my work colleague (whose my age). She's sweet, funny, we click super well, talked outside of work hours through whatsapp and follow(ed) each other on insta.
At first I saw no harm in it, mind at this point I wasn't aware of my own feelings, I thought I was just talking to a friend. But as it kept going, and she shared her Pole training videos and she commented on my crossfit videos, I think i went down a rabbit hole of being a bit too friendly.
Sometimes she says things that have a slight double meaning. Like how I would love to go sailing on a ship, and she says she would sail with me. Like how she hopes our new hire will be cute, saying I am cute but taken...
This messes with my head at times. At the same time, in my actual relationship it was a stressful situation. We moved to our first appartement, i've been working from home since the pandemic, she has been going through massive university stress, sometimes being a bit mean with me out of stress. My own insecurities start bubbling up and instead of dealing with it correctly I let it fester, it explodes and makes it so much harder for her.
i handled the situation completely wrong, but I wanted to avoid giving her exam stress and ended actually making it worse for her health and academics.
In that time, she found out about my texting with my colleague, told me what I was doing was inappropriate (please note, nothing sexual natured, it just looked as if I was interested in her, which in retrospect I was because i'm crushing on her) and we fought about it. We moved on for a moment, then it resurfaced (my fault): fight, stress, moved on...
I keep texting my colleague (who doesn't know anything) through whatsapp, keeping it for myself. I know this is wrong, but on the one hand I enjoy her as a friend and on the other hand I can't shake these feelings...
It's been tough, and at moments I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave my gf, I love her dearly. But at moments, I find myself doubting me. I've already given up a lot, and this work crush was/is a window in how things could be. But i'm basing everything on a big "what if". Is it worth destroying 12y of love and friendship for something that's maybe not there? of course not. But sometimes, just sometimes, I wish it was differently...
It's hard being the partner of someone with MS. You experience it differently, live with guilt, remorse and stress of your own. I often have stress of messing things up, creating stress for her... I suppose i'm still learning to handle things. I just don't know what to do...
Hi @PieterC. I am glad you reached out. I am sure the situation is causing you both a lot of stress. Only you know whether you love your girlfriend enough to spend the rest of your life with her. You owe it to yourself and to her to figure out whether you are staying with her because you really do love her and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, or whether you are staying with her because her MS diagnosis makes you feel guilty for thinking about ending the relationship. If the answer is the latter, then the relationship will eventually fall apart, not because she has MS, but because the depth of love wasn't there. Have you considered seeing a therapist to help you work through these emotions? My heart goes out to you both. - Lori (Team Member)
Hi @PieterC. Have you talked with her at all about your desire to travel and your career aspirations? She might want to travel as well or she might know a way you can both be satisfied in your careers. Together, you might be able to find some creative solutions. It isn't fair to her though to give these things up because of her without her knowledge. It will only lead to resentment for both of you down the line. Best wishes! - Lori (Team Member)
we have talked about some things of course. We will still try to travel in the future in ways that are possible for her (by car, she won't be able to go my plane anymore) and I've settled into that. But part of me still regrets it that I won't be able to go to places I've wanted to visit. I've accepted that, but sometimes it feels like a shame.
We have tried talking about my career aspirations and she said that if I want to do something, then I need to figure out how to make it work. And i did look into it on how and what everything entails, and basically came to the conclusion that it won't work because of the MS. If I'd make the move towards the career I originally set my eyes on, a lot will fall on her because I will lack the time (for context, I aspired to a EU career).
But part of me doesn't really want to put the effort in anymore to get to that career level, because I feel burnt out from everything that has happened. Like the fire to go for it has dimmed.
i figured all these things for myself, but I can't bring myself to actually say that the reason why i'm not pursuing my original career goal, is because of the MS. A career in the EU demands a lot from both partners, and i'm afraid she will not be able to keep up. Especially not since she wants to try and go for her own dreams as well as she can, and I couldn't make her give that up too.
It comes down to me with holding a lot of things from her, because I know that it would devastate her since it comes down to a medical issue she has no control or choice over. So how could I say "it's because of your MS", when she asks "why are you not going for it", I feel terrible just thinking about it. So I decided to aim lower and see what I could still do in a similar sector.
The point originally started that she sometimes says I have all the opportunities in the world, which technically I have, and that I should get after it. But I don't, because I let go of those things for her. It just hurts sometimes I suppose, that she doesn't see that I've also had to give things up. Not as grave as her of course, but I still had to let things go... future prospects, future goals and dreams... but I feel bad for thinking these things because she has it much worse.
forgive me, I started to ramble it seems ^^'
