Dealing with fear
Is it crazy that I find it comforting to tell myself that if things get really bad, I can find a way out? I’m relatively new to MS, received my diagnosis less than 2 months ago. I’m not going to lie, it terrified me. I think I’m doing ok right now, but thinking about the future and how things might get really bad sends me into a panic sometimes. To calm myself down, I just tell myself there’s always the alternative to find a way to put an end to everything if my life starts to feel unbearable, and it really does help me. But it did get me wondering if this is a normal reaction or if I should seek professional help, that maybe im depressed and don’t realize it?
Hi
,
Hmmm, if you are depressed it's not like anyone here would blame you - it just kinda goes with the territory.What others might consider macabre thoughts; I just consider good planning. Not sure which country you're in, but in Canada there's a program called M.A.I.D. (Medical Assistance in Dying) that is open to participation by people with MS. I am comforted knowing that I can utilize M.A.I.D. for a dignified death, but truthfully, I hope I never have to use it.
After all, I presume my demise is still many years in the future. I have stuff I wanna do, conversations I wanna have, food I wanna eat, and philosophies I wanna explore. I may have finished Netflix during the lockdowns, but there's a huge chunk of Prime I haven't watched yet. Not to mention the three Audible credits I need to use up.
As important as it is to have a feeling of control when it comes to ending our life, it's equally as important to realize we have total control over living our life. Grieving the loss of the old 'me' was fun for a while, who doesn't like a good pity party? BUT, I'm kinda digging the new me - this chill, introspective guy, whose looking forward to finding all these cool, new ways to engage with the world.
You got this, Myrlo - in my estimation you're exactly where you need to be, feeling exactly what you need to feel, and thinking exactly what you need to think.
Be well,
Thank you, it’s so nice to be understood. I guess I’m still grieving the old me, and the future I had imagined for myself.
I am Canadian, but have been living abroad for many years, mostly in developing countries. I am now rethinking my future plans, and thinking moving back to Canada makes most sense to have access to better medical care. It’s nice to hear that Canada does have a program for end of life and that it’s open to MS patients.
Thank you for taking the time to respond, you have given me much comfort ❤️
, I think talking to a professional is a good idea for pretty much everyone, regardless of their physical health, if that makes sense. We all could use a listening ear once in awhile, and having a unbiased person weigh in on our situations can be helpful. Depression should always be addressed and treated, just as we try to treat a serious infection or a chronic health condition.
However, I do think people should have the right to have full control over their physical and mental health; and that includes end-of-life choices.
I think being able to have open and honest conversations (like this one!) is healthy. If you feel like you are depressed, please don't hesitate to reach out. But, if you find yourself mourning your old life or the "old" you, please know that is completely normal and can be a healing part of the grieving process. I thought you might appreciate this piece on adapting to a new life with MS -- https://multiplesclerosis.net/living-with-ms/ms. And here's another one, that's pretty pragmatic -- https://multiplesclerosis.net/living-with-ms/pride,
Again, you are not alone in how you are feeling and I am glad you feel comfortable enough to share your thoughts with this community.
Best, Erin, MultipleSclerosis.net Team Member.
Hi
. You have gotten some great advice here. I do think that over time, those thoughts will become less dominant, especially if you have the opportunity to talk with a professional about your diagnosis. There are so many emotions that come with an MS diagnosis, and with good reason. With MS comes so much uncertainty. No two journeys are alike, so you can't even look at someone else with MS and say, "This is what I am in for." It is important to remember that you might be one of those people who is not terribly limited by MS in older age. There is no way of knowing. I don't know your financial situation, but it seems a move back to Canada would make a lot of sense, if you are comfortable doing it. MS can be an expensive disease. There are medications that can help slow the progression, but they can cost up to $50,000 a year out-of-pocket and they are not available in some developing countries. The testing, physical therapy and all those other things that come with MS maintenance and flares can be expensive as well. Maybe will weigh in here. She is another Canadian resident and she has lived with MS for a long time. There is also something to be said for developing a strong sense of community as we age, regardless of our health. This might be a good time to settle into a 'forever" home, whether that is in Canada or a developing country so that you have that base of local support in the future. Since you are new to MS, I also thought you might benefit from this article from one of our advocates, if you haven't read it already: https://multiplesclerosis.net/living-with-ms/a-few-thoughts-for-the-newly-diagnosed. I hope it helps put your mind at ease. Wishing you the best. - Lori (Team Member)
Hi
, while I know what you are saying may seem morbid and shocking to many who read it, I understand exactly what you mean. I have had similar thoughts in the past as well and I get the comfort in it. You're telling your brain that "hey if things are really bad, we don't actually have to go through it". Again, that will sound bad to many, but I've done it myself. Sometimes, if I have somewhere to go, I worry about it, but I convince myself to go by telling myself that I can always leave if I'm struggling. Giving myself that permission ahead of time usually helps me deal with the anxiety that might come. This is sort of the same thing on a grander scale. Living with a disease like MS often means playing some mental games with yourself in order to keep going. You basically have to figure out what works for you and how to get through each day. All of that said, if you do have some big fears, it's worth addressing them. What may be a coping mechanism now could easily grow worse (and rates of depression are astronomical among people with MS: https://multiplesclerosis.net/living-with-ms/its-time-to-get-real-about-depression-and-suicide)). I'm a big believer in talk therapy, it's something I wished I had started when I was diagnosed (I talk about some myths regarding it here: https://multiplesclerosis.net/living-with-ms/mental-health-therapy-myths). Honestly, MS or not, I think it's good to have someone to talk to regularly. Simply getting your concerns out regularly can be so helpful. So I definitely recommend investigating some mental health help, not because you need it now, but so you don't later.
Now, to address your concerns! There's never a good time to get a disease like MS, however, this is the best time in history. The treatments we have today are extremely effective and there are breakthroughs all the time it seems. While there is no cure, there are many disease-modifying treatments that have proven exceptionally effective at slowing or even halting disease progression. There are amazing options today that we didn't have even ten years ago. So while it's easier said than done, try not to worry too much about the future, you will likely be in very good shape!
