I've been unintentionally torturing myself
The hubby and I started during the last year watching Survivor. Like binge watching on streaming. And we've watched a lot! I enjoy it, I am surprised at how much I like the show.
BUT I find myself comparing my current abilities to the contestants and feeling discouraged. And not even discouraged by what THEY are able to do. But by what I was able to do a year ago, 5 years ago, 10 years ago. What I have actually done.
And I start to feel that loss. You know what I'm talking about. All of you active in the forum have mentioned it at one point or another. The loss of experience. Of balance. Of ability.
And it brings feelings of sadness and despair and desire. I want to get back to where I was. I want to bring back the person that can walk easily. I want to bring back the person that can homestead in a very unforgiving environment. I want to bring back the person that danced on her wedding day. I miss being the person who snuck out of the house at the age of 13 and skipped down the road to find adventure. I miss being the person who rallied the coworkers to dance outside in the rain in the middle of the night.
I won't give up. But I'm almost realistic. I may never bring that girl, that woman back. But I won't give up trying. I'll find new ways to let my soul shine.
And tomorrow, we start a new season of Survivor, and I will be okay with it.
I miss my old self too. I want to be able to hike and play with my granddaughter without having to sit down and rest. I keep trying to build up my stamina but that doesn’t seem to work. So I get you. We just keep pushing on. Fight the good fight and be grateful for what God has given you. Hugs.
thank you. I'm a million miles away from giving up! I'm just realistic. I am still working my way through the healthcare system and still yet to have a diagnosis.
BUT I had a really good appointment today to get the ball rolling and will hopefully be able to actually start intervention with some of the obstacles that are the worst. I've been going through a lot of muscle spasms, spasticity, and intense pain that movement has been really hard. I finally had a doctor listen and I'm getting a new GP, we finally did a full blood panel (so much blood, woof) and I may be able to test medication to help ease the spasticity within two months. Still a long way to go but a win!
I just want to make sure I don't seriously injure myself trying to work with what I've got at home. I'm working on getting weights I can strap to my forearms to lift without the possibility of whacking myself in the face or tossing it thanks to a spasm.
Thank you for your support and sending much love 💜
I know this has been such a long road to get the answers that you want and need. It's good to hear that you have an appointment today that holds potential! Best of luck with it and please keep us posted. We appreciate your willingness to invite us into this journey with you.
Best
Alene (team member)
I totally understand where you’re coming from. I’ve felt the same way scrolling through social media, seeing others doing things I can’t. It can be so triggering and really make you feel down. I’ve had moments where I’ve questioned all the opportunities and adventures I’ve missed out on, wondering where I’d be if life had played out differently. But even with the challenges life throws at us, it doesn’t erase the possibilities of who we can become or what we can achieve. Sure, we might have to take a different route, but that’s okay. Anything is possible and you already have the mindset and determination to succeed in whatever you set your sights on. So keep believing in yourself, don’t give up, and know that even now, as you fight through this, your soul is shining. I can’t wait to hear your success story one day. Wishing you all the best on your journey! -Latoya (Team Member) thank you! When I was at my doctor's appointment yesterday (back to square one, talk to a new GP and start fresh) she asked me how I was feeling and doing. The whole check on mental and emotional health thing. And I was able to answer honestly that emotionally I'm amazing. I've never felt so great, other than the frustration with the medical system.
I have had to pivot and change course my whole life for various reasons. Why would this be any different? I just make sure I check myself before I start anything, and honestly ask myself if I'm up for it at that moment. And if I have doubt, I don't chide myself for taking the sidelines for the day.
I don't know where I'll end up, but I know that it'll be an amazing journey.
Sending much love and respect 💜💜
