Managing loneliness.
The most distressing symptom I deal with on a nearly daily basis is ‘loneliness’. I have a loving and caring wife who is amazingly attentive. Our children visit us several times/wk with their children (our g’kids). M.S. has caused my friends to mostly disappear. I used to have a staff of over 100 scientists who kept me busy. They have mostly disappeared. They have busy lives and partake in activities that are impossible for me to share. As I said, I am lonely. Do any of you have advice? I already spend (too) many hrs/d on-line. Also, I am reticent to complain because I think I may have done too much of that in the recent past. Now I simply don’t talk much. I’m quiet.
The definition of lonely I believe is having no friends, family or companions to interact with. You said you have a wonderful wife, grown children and grandkids.
So many of us have no one, period. May I suggest that you give that a lot of thought and realize that those "friends" who have disappeared were not really "friends" to begin with and shouldn't be missed. You do have people who care about you and let you know it by being there for you. We have to acclimate our lives to what we can do, be at least somewhat happy with that, and not continually miserable about what we cannot do. I was diagnosed with MS in 1981 and most likely was feeling the effects long before that. I had to leave a job of many years at the age of 45 that I liked, where I was well liked, interacted with many people every day, that gave me a good living wage. I had to curtail many of my years long activities. Being an only child and an introvert, I am never lonely, I grew up spending the majority of time with my dogs, maybe one or two friends over the years. Not everyone we are acquainted with is a "friend", they are merely someone we know and can't be expected to drop everything for us or depended upon for emotional support.
At the age of 78, I can honestly say that I've had only four good friends in my life, people who would and did drop everything for me when I needed a little help in one way or the other and I did the same for them. One left. One died of a massive heart attack in my living room while staying with me because she became ill and her family abandoned her. I miss those who are gone and think of them every day but thankful for their many years of respect, caring, of true friendship and loyalty. I too spend time on my computer daily. I read all of the news, all of the miserable articles about sick and twisted people who are cruel and hateful and I wish them the worst in life. I read about the beautiful animals in our world and how so many struggle to survive due to human beings, loss of habitat. I read, read and read some more being a forever curious person. I am a familiar face at my local library, picking up a book or two that I've ordered every couple of weeks. I engross myself in stories, subjects that interest me, in movies that take me away from the reality of my life for a short time. I take the time to write to my state rep's, asking that they pay attention, make an effort to put a stop to cruelty to innocent animals.
Many of us have a cross to bear but complaining about the weight of that cross doesn't make it any lighter. Connect with people who understand what an imperfect life is like and can still smile occasionally.
- Everything you've shared is so rich that I had to read it twice to fully take it in. I'm sorry that some of those closest to you have passed away. It sounds that they have been those truly special people who create a connection that endures.
I love that you engross yourself in books, learn new things, express your concerns to those who are in a position to effect change. Each of those creates a new connection that helps the part of you that continues to grow and evolve over time.
Just like David's post, your response will help others to feel less alone and may spark some ideas help them branch out in their own unique way.
Thank you for sharing, LisaThank you. I read many of the posts on this website and understand to some degree what many of the people are going through having had many of the same experiences with MS and life in general.
I enjoy reading about the pets in people's lives and how those pets help them cope day to day. I fully understand that being a lifelong dog lover and living with dogs every day of my life, with the exception of 34 days, for 78 years.
Being a student of psychology for many years I recognize David's depression, what he describes as being "lonely" while surrounded by people who love him and do visit and make an effort to keep his spirits lifted. His words obviously touched me and I felt a need to share a few words with him. I hope others do the same.
- Sometimes the worst type of loneliness is what you feel when you might be sitting right next to those you love. It's hard to understand unless you've felt it. MS can complicate the feeling when you can't engage the way you'd like in a circumstance. It's ok to feel angry about it, or to feel sad about it. It's ok to sit alone with the loneliness (if that makes sense) until it begins to pass and you feel like expanding.
Like you, I spend a lot of time online. That's actually how I've met some of the amazing people who have lifted me up over the years when I've felt down, or alone. Sometimes even a stranger might offer that hand or glimmer of light that resonates with you and helps you to begin to feel connection.
I'm glad that you've shared here because this community is wonderful for the many hands that are offered. Or ears that are ready to listen. Even the people who may read and never comment might feel less alone by reading your story because you've made yourself vulnerable by being honest.
I appreciate that you've shared. And your family is lucky to have you. Please know that although there may be strangers on the other side of that computer screen, you are not truly alone if even one person reaches back.
Best wishes, Lisa
I have plenty of days I wished the people I know could be around me more, AND the stranger in the mirror less.
Loneliness is tough, even with family or friends around. It can be really hard to explain to people how it feels and also to identify what it is that we need to really fill that loneliness. I can't tell you how many times I've been lonely when I've been surrounded by people.
It’s okay to talk about it—you’re not complaining, you’re sharing what’s real. And as you can see, there are a lot of people who can relate.
You mentioned being busy with the scientists in your life. It sounds like your job gave you a lot of fulfillment, which I think many of us can relate to. I wonder if there is something you can do to take your expertise and use it elsewhere. You said you spend a lot of time online, but maybe you could look into being a mentor or a tutor (either online or in person) to those in your field or students who are on the same path as your career. We had a volunteer mentorship program at my university where people could give their time (you make your own schedule) and use the expertise and knowledge that you've gathered over the years to help students progress forward in their careers post-school. I know I don't know you but I have a feeling that this could be something really cool and fulfilling for you to look into and that you'd be good at it. I used to meet with people that had been in the field for 40-50 years, some retired and some not working for other reasons, and the knowledge and connections we made is something I will never forget. Anyway, food for thought.
Just want to finish this with your feelings matter, David, and I'm glad you shared how you're feeling. That's the whole point of this community - to be with others who get it, be heard, and find support. I hope you're feeling the love with this thread. 🧡 Kayleigh, Team Member
