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Despite how hard it is….

  • By Mstfrgfwrd

    It’s hard to feel Feminine

    When my lacy thongs have been replaced with granny panties large enough to hold an Ultimate absorbency Poise pad (thank your lucky stars for the genius who made those suckers).

    It’s hard to feel Feminine

    When my black leather (hooker) boots, heels, sexy sandals, cute wedges and flats have all been replaced by monotonous tennis shoes that grasp swollen feet constantly feeling like they are being bit by fire ants, have foot drop Oh and sport some super sexy AFO’s. (Sarcasm)

    It’s hard to feel Feminine

    When the legs that used to be athletic, long lean and strong, are now unresponsive and weak. Hard to put on a pair of pumps and “catwalk” around when now you need compression socks and the support of molded plastic leg braces, crutches, or walker and sometimes even a wheelchair just to maneuver through this handicap unfriendly once exhilarating wide open world.

    It’s hard to feel Feminine

    When I used to race up and down the stairs doing this and that, being chased by my man and doing any damn thing I wanted; to now struggling up the stairs, lifting one lifeless leg at a time up them 13 planks of wood. I cannot tell you how incredibly pitiful and shrunken I can feel. (Yes, I could make getting up the stairs easier; however I will crawl up and down those damn stairs till the day these legs no longer work.)

    It’s hard to feel Feminine

    When you go from being a diva on the dance floor looking amazing with your girls to a decrepit homeless looking slug who can barely move her own feet.

    It’s hard to feel Feminine

    When I try to glide up to my husband acting all erotic and exotic, throw my arms around him, try to 50 Shades of Grey him and feel sensual, seductive and “naughty” again; But sadly the reality kicks in that I’m now the female version of an extraordinarily mis-wired, drunk walking, motor less robotic Tin (wo)Man. Without any oil.

    It’s hard to feel Feminine

    When the “womanly things” you use to do, can at times be such a struggle; So much so that sometimes they’re not even worth the struggle or spoon it will cost you. Small things like doing your makeup, taking a shower, shaving your legs, or groomin’ the “downstairs”.

    It’s hard to feel Feminine

    When you can no longer hold your bladder and you thank those lucky stars you have that ultimate absorbency poise pad in them granny panties. Wow filling one of those padded boats really sparks the desire for intimacy…(again sarcasm). Want to know an instant intimacy killer? When you think you’re having a physically euphoric moment with your spouse only to totally realize you have to pee. And you do. Right there. On the floor. And there is no way to stop it.

    Makes the thought of intimacy embarrassing, gross and worrisome.

    Despite how hard it can be to still feel womanly, I still try. I do often fail and truly that’s ok. It’s sometimes so easy to get wrapped up in my own self-hate and loathing the woman I have become that I end up overlooking the solid fact that no matter how many times I piss or shit myself, fall on my face, or erupt in a manic emotional breakdown, my best friend, my husband is always there.

    He is my rock. When we said “in sickness and in health, for better or for worse” he meant it.

    Whether I still see it or not, He still sees me as his “trophy wife”; as he has so lovingly put it. He still finds me smart, beautifully attractive, funny and sexy. He still sees in me everything and more of what he fell in love with to begin with. I still see everything and so much more of everything in him I fell in love with.

    Daily I’m more and more thankful and appreciative for my husband more so than words or actions could describe. I fall deeper in love with him daily. On the days and moments I hate myself, he still loves me. He still believes in me when I no longer believe in myself or in life. He still puts a smile on my face when all I want to do is cry.
    My husband puts the putter in my flutter.

    He’s one of the many people and things in life that keep me going despite wanting to quit.

    Even though life has changed, and everything is constantly being modified. Despite the moments I feel like a pathetic waste of skin, I’ll never stop trying to be the vivacious woman I once was. Despite how difficult it may be I will try to hold onto my femininity.

  • By Erin Rush Moderator

    Thank you so much for sharing this! I think many of our members can relate to your eloquent words. I am so glad you have a supportive and loving partner to walk this journey with you. I know that just one supportive person can make such a difference. Thank you again for sharing. And keep blogging! Best, Erin, Team Member.

  • By Ashley Ringstaff Moderator

    I can’t even tell you how much I enjoyed reading your post. Maybe ‘enjoyed’ is the wrong word, but I can relate in so many ways, and I wanted to thank you for putting it in to words on how I feel at times.

    I’m gong to share this with my hubby as well. It’s nice to know that we aren’t alone in what we deal with and how we feel.


  • By TracyShudo

    I as well cant thank you enough for what you wrote. Touched me in so many ways. I am blessed as well to have my husband of 25 years stand beside me for the last 23 from when I was first dignosed. So many people just give up on the ones they love because its hard. Who said this life was going to be easy. I thought it would until that one day when you can no longer see, or walk. but for 21 years it was Relapse remitting. So things came bake most of the times. But they dont tell us at 20 or 30, some day most likely you will get worse and there is no going back. But we strong women fight and keep fighting. I went on a little long sorry I am new to this site and sharing. BUT THANK YOU SO MUCH for what you said and the way you said it. Hugs

  • By Ms.Diva

    So true and funny in a sarcastic way! Your post speak volumes! I can totally relate!

  • By mrsaristotle

    It did make me chuckle and it was inspiring and so true too thanks.

    Mind you i have to say i saved a fortune on trying to be feminine all that makeup i bought to slap on my face, having my hair re-coloured so it would hide the grey, buying those sexy stockings, wearing really lovely outfits and high heels, looking well quite good for my age.

    I met my hubby when I was 41 and still had IT lol. Slap on face, slim figure, looked good. He was 6 years older then me an engineer with salt and pepper hair but thick and blue eyes. He always smelt of oil a smell i got used too.

    I stayed feminine as well it was just me.

    We muddled along together, got married and WE had a great life. I spent a lot of money on nice things i must admit, but Mike my hubby was always going to be an engineer.

    In 2000 we had a wonderful holiday together in Brazil and that was the start of the journey of deterioration for me.

    Slowly as i got sicker my makeup went mouldy in its boxes, as i couldn’t bear the stuff near my eyes, no chance of wearing high heels, i wore mens slippers as my feet were swollen.

    My dresses well they stayed in the wardrobe to be replaced by baggy pants comfortable easy bliss.

    My hair well that went as grey as hubbies.

    Sadly i even lost my teeth because of some weird auto immune thing going on in my gums.

    Hubby and I were like the classic Darby and Jones. We settled comfortably together. He retired at 70 and lived for weeks in long johns and a dressing gown lol. If anyone has ever watched Last of the Summer Wine he was my Compo.

    Oh dear i was just so not feminine anymore i felt old and ugly and the pain of my MS showed in my face, but my old compo Mike would look at me and think i was the most beautiful women he had ever seen. We had 26 wonderful years together

    I never thought a man could love me looking like i did, grey, no makeup, baggy tops and trousers, slippers with Velcro, the other me still hanging up in the wardrobe, the make up old and moldy as i couldn’t bear to throw it away.

    Nope he would look at me and think i was the most wonderful women he had ever seen as he loved me for who i was, not what Chanel could make me look like. He loved me because i got him. I never made him change we had a great relationship, he too was ill with COPD, so we kind of muddled along.

    Being feminine faded away over the years, and comfortable companionship took its place, I never once felt ugly again when i realised i was being loved totally warts and all, i was being loved despite of my MS in actual fact i am convinced it brought us together even more.

    No being feminine is not important when you have the love of your life so treasure them, hug them, adore them as one day it can all be over in seconds and you are just left sitting on your own in an old faded favourite jumper belonging to your husband and still wearing his old slippers and just trying to survive each day with the memories of the man who once looked at you lovingly and adoringly, bare faced, no teeth, grey hair, baggy trousers and floppy slippers and looked at you straight in the face and say GOSH I LOVE you how the hell do you put up with me he would say……………. as i looked at him in his old bathrobe and long johns and would hug him and say well just because your YOU.

    Anyway want any high heels, expensive perfume, lovely dresses….i have a wardrobe full…….