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Looking for support: Accepting family cannot understand limitations

One of my parents is dying. They live 14 hours away by car. Some in my family expect me at the funeral. I want to go but I am on an immunosuppressing drug and I just can't risk flying or taking the train. Driving is out of the question due to stamina and spasticity. I am a single mother and have been extremely careful because of covid. I don't want my daughter's life to be upended if I were to be hospitalized. One sister lives two hours away, I did not attend her wedding at at he beginning of the pandemic and our relationship suffered. I cannot ask her for a ride when the time comes, i have been discouraged from asking her for a ride previously by the dying parent. But I fear I will cause a lot of hurt feelings again by not attending the funeral. I want to go and I want my daughter to go but it is once again too risky to travel now that Evusheld is ineffective and the new variant has taken over. Also, my physical limitations have increased. Overdoing it is easier now and I fear relapse. So I am trying to not feel guilty, I know I shouldn't. I am trying to accept that there may once again be hard feelings but I need to do what is best for my immediate family and accept that they just can't understand. It is an added layer of grief on grief.

  1. My heart goes out to you, . It's such a difficult situation. Please try to remember that funerals are for the living, not the dead. You are not letting your dying parent down by not attending. It is a shame that your family is not more supportive and compassionate, but that is on them, not you. It sounds like you are making a very wise decision. Not only could you contract COVID, but I am guessing the stress of travel, of interactions with family and of the funeral itself could worsen your MS symptoms. Could you perhaps write a letter to be read at the funeral, expressing your regrets at not being able to attend and sharing some good memories of your parent? Please know we are here for you as you grieve and deal with the pressure from your siblings. You are not alone in this. Others in this community have had to navigate similar circumstances. Gentle hugs. - Lori (Team Member)

    1. , I just wanted to echo Lori's words and to let you know that we are thinking about you.

      Loss is so very hard and adding guilt on top of that is just too much to expect anyone to carry. You need to take care of yourself and your daughter.

      I hope you are able to feel at peace with your decision and I also hope that your family understands the situation you are in.

      Gentle Hugs, Erin, Team member.

      1. I'm so sorry to hear that, but I understand. I struggle a lot with traveling (as well as sharing your covid concerns). It's extremely hard for me and if I do travel, it requires a significant amount of planning and budgeting rest time at every stop. I live very far from the rest of my family and my parents are getting up there and probably not very healthy. I have thought for a bit about what would happen when something happens to them and realistically I'd be in the exact same situation as you. I think if/when that happens to me, I'll do my own small thing to remember them here and hope my family understands (they probably won't, but that's really on them for not understanding, that's about them, not me).

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