The Journey No One Expects

I was 57 years old when I was diagnosed with PPMS in 2018. To say the MS diagnosis turned my life upside down is a huge understatement.

Looking back, there were signs that something wasn't right even before the MS diagnosis. I even thought I had an inner ear infection, since those are known to cause balance issues. But alas, I wasn't that lucky.

Where the MS diagnosis begins

I went in for an MRI, and shortly after I returned home, my doctor's office called and told me to come right back for a spinal tap. After that, my doctor told me he was 99% sure I had MS but wanted me to return in a week for confirmation. When I went back, I could tell just by looking at him that the news wasn't going to be good.

Right then and there, he signed me out of work, stating on the form that I was 100% disabled. Who wants to see those words in writing? I felt demoralized knowing I couldn't work and practically begged him to let me return. I think a lot of his decision was based on my age and how long I had been working. So, disabled I became.

Hearing the words “100% disabled

It messes with your mind, seeing those words.

I applied for and received disability within six months. I didn't even need an attorney. As I mentioned before, I had an inkling something was wrong. My late sister also had PPMS, although she passed away before I received my diagnosis. My mother had Parkinson's, and I grew up in a highly toxic area of New York where obscure cancers seemed to be taking the lives of my schoolmates.

The learning curve

I gave up driving in 2018, not because I could no longer feel the pedals, but because I was so cognitively impaired that I never knew where I was at any given time. Even in my own neighborhood. It was one of the worst experiences of my life: being lost in your own hometown.

I took giving up driving pretty well. Looking back, the MS diagnosis and getting lost scared me enough to know it was the right decision. Now, my dear husband drives me everywhere. I hate that he has to do this. I feel like a burden when I'm too weak to even get into bed on my own.

The reality of MS

The symptoms came fast and furious after my MS diagnosis. Cognitively, I'm worse and have to take notes even when I'm reading a fiction book because otherwise, I won't remember what's going on. Physically, I have drop foot and use a cane. I also have a rollator, but I'm too stubborn to use it most of the time. Unfortunately, it's gotten to that point where I know I need it.

Finding joy in the little things

I've learned that the simple joys in life are worth their weight in gold.

When I'm having an extremely bad day, or even when I'm not, I cuddle with my precious kitty. Her purr is balm to my soul. Other times, I sit and watch in awe as my beautiful German Shepherd goes about her day, so stoic and regal.

What really matters

I try not to complain too much to my husband. It's just the two of us now, since our adult son lives elsewhere, but sometimes I can't help it. I've been pretty good at snapping myself out of the MS blues, although I'm not always successful.

If this insidious disease has taught me anything, it's that the small things in life truly are worth treasuring.

Robbie2499