I Feel Like I Have MS Today
Roses are red, violets are blue; every day is not a bad day, but some days I have the MS blues.
Generally I can tell how I am feeling or the type of day I might have as early as when I first wake up in the morning. There are two types of days, and there’s definitely a difference.
One type would be the days that I know I have multiple sclerosis (MS) because, well, I do unfortunately. I was diagnosed just about 17 years ago. The other type are those days when I feel like I have MS: emotionally, physically, or both. Although I am not fond of MS at all, it’s the days I feel the diagnosis as opposed to just living with it that makes me dislike this chronic disease, this MonSter, all the more.
What a "good" day looks like for me
I’m pretty much reliant on my aides for my activities of daily living. That’s what my life is. I wake up in the morning to my routine.
On a ‘good’ day, I awaken about 8:30 or 9 a.m. I say my prayers, giving thanks for the gift of life and seeing a brand new day. I then begin the move to quiet the loud cries of my bladder. These are always the first orders of business for the day, and I move on from there.
Now, every day, I am sedentary. Everyday I require help to toilet, bathe, groom, dress, get meals, and so on. Everyday, I accept my new normal of serious decline in function. With that comes a kind of ‘contentment’ in going about my day doing what I can.
And what a bad day looks like
But… this particular day I woke up noticing immediately that my body felt like a tight ball and, as I said my prayer, it hurt to stretch. My hands, already curled, were fisted so tightly they ached. I needed help prying them open to grasp the chair to begin my transfer. Said transfer, which is to the commode, was laborious because the tightness makes me feel 800 pounds. Uh ohh.
My experience living with MS lets me know from these first several minutes that the MonSter is up to no good. I felt ‘off kilter’ in my head. I was so very tired and fatigued, I had no gumption to try to do anything: write, read, watch television, handle business, engage in conversation, nothing.
This particular day, I feel like I have MS. My focus, as I sit glumly, is not on trying to be gentle with myself, but rather on all that I cannot do. A bummer of a day for no reason, because that’s what MS can do.
Getting through hard days
Contrary to how it may sound, I’m not complaining per se. I’m just expressing my experience, venting a bit, and giving my explanation of the difference between living with MS and feeling like I have MS.
At any rate, I got past that day and moved on to the next, which happened to be better. It makes me cognizant that thus far, my track record for getting through hard days is 100%.
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